Bob Barnes came to Providence and held a 3-day conference on parenting. As always it was wonderful... convicting... but wonderful. He said many things that I had heard before, but needed to be reminded of. If you know me, you may have heard me say this: Don't be your child's consequence. This is one of the most powerful things I have ever heard on parenting. When I first heard it, years ago, I knew that God was using those words to change me. I tend to be a "yeller". When I yell at my children, I become their conseqence or punishment. I know this but tend to forget it when I discover peanut butter smeared into the carpet or when someone leaves their math binder at home....again. Bob Barnes gently reminded me that I want to be their Mommy, who is just as bummed as they are when they "blow it" and will be IN the punishment with them. "Oh No! Rosebud, I'm so sorry you forgot your binder again. Phooey...I LOVE to watch you play basketball and I will be SO disappointed that we have to miss your game. (No basketball is the predetermined consequence) I will stay home with you while Daddy takes the others to the gym. I'll even help you write an apology email to your Coach." Doesn't that sound much more effective than angrily yelling?
[By the way, Rosebud didn't really forget her binder or have basketball taken away...it's all good with Rosebud]
The second nugget I came away with from the Bob Barnes conference involves prayer. He said something about sitting on the edge of his kids' beds at the end of the day and spending a few minutes with them saying goodnight. During this time, the children tend to open up and share things about their day, their thoughts, and feelings. I was convicted. At the end of the day, I am looking forward to bedtime and having a few moments of quiet before going to bed myself. Unfortunately, I tend to hurry through the nighttime routine and rush them off to bed. Sometimes, I'm so busy with laundry or packing lunches for the next day that I will just let John handle it all. Well, John is out of town this week and it is just me. God has nudged me to seize the opportunites at bedtime and spend a few minutes lingering with each one of them. It has been precious time.
The first night was a little awkward. The thirteen and twelve year old are probably thinking, "What's up with Mom?" So in the awkwardness, I asked them if I could pray for them. No way would I have thought that up on my own. God put it there. How sweet to pray for them. Here is the quiet miracle that happened. I thought it was going to be for them...this whole thing...spending time on their bed...listening to them talk about their day...all for them. But it turned out to be a gift for me.
Our week has been sweet.
God changed me.
Two months later….
8 years ago
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4 comments:
I needed to read this today. I wasn't able to attend the conference and I so appreciate your words of wisdom. I struggle with the night time routine..I am so exhausted by that time, but I'm finding that is the time my preteen wants to talk..who am I to refuse? Thanks for the encouragement..you are such a blessing!
Karen, thank you for this. I needed it. I struggle in both these areas. I'm a yeller and my mom was and as hard as I try I'm finding it difficult to break the cycle. This wisdom you learned is the most wonderful and convicting message for me and something I actually thin I can apply. And the bedtime stuff, I usually leave to Anthony. The kids usually ask him to send me in but I don't always go. I've been looking at it as a way for them to delay bedtime and I'm just done by that time of day. Thank you for sharing. I have a lot to think about and pray about.
I loved that too. That really convicted me too. I am a yeller for the 1st time in my life (it still sounds like a demon possessed voice, not even like mine!) and I hate it. That really zapped me. I haven't come full circle, to stop yelling, but I sure am thinking "YOU'RE THE CONSEQUENCE!!!" as I hear that ugly, foreign voice. I'll pray for you and me both.
Thank you for the great reminder.
We were only able to go to 1 night of the conference.
Bedtime can be Jekyll and Hyde for me. Some nights it is beautiful. Other nights I'm so 'done.'
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